mind(less)

Everything is covered in a sheen of oil. It blurs the edges and makes it difficult to grasp, despite how many times I adjust my grip. If I lessen my focus for just a moment, I risk it sliding through my fingers and falling into the abyss at my feet. If that happens, I may later rediscover it with a newfound interest or stumble upon it while searching with frustration that I lost something yet again. Or, even worse yet, I might never realize I was trying to hold something at all.

One of the driving forces behind ADHD is difficulty with working memory. What normally allows someone to do mental arithmetic or follow multi-step instructions functions differently in a neurodivergent mind, which heavily impacts my ability to maintain information. What starts as forgetfulness metastasizes into a total lack of existence. It's more than misplaced car keys but the complete erasure of objects or concepts within my life, despite how much effort I put into maintaining them my reality.

It's not simply forgetfulness, and more complex than a game of peek-a-boo. I am in a constant state of tricking myself into remembering my life; the objects I need on a daily basis, concepts, even people drift away the longer they are out of my immediate sight. I find myself leaving things in the open, afraid that if I put it away I might never remember it again. I refuse to open a text thread otherwise I risk never responding. I consume the same media in an effort to remember what I enjoy about it.

 In an effort to trick myself, I find myself compromising what I can risk to loose. What can I relearn later so I can learn about this current topic now? What can I store away and risk forgetting to make room for my medication on the counter? How can I make sure I remember I bought groceries when it comes time for me to fix a meal? It goes beyond objects to daily tasks, routines, important deadlines, ideologies, even people.